I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
