He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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