franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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