I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
