made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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