It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
