Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I did not marry a roomba.
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