Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
