Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
my poor anus
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
