so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
