I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
