No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
