So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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