What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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