Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
