More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
How does one acquire holy water?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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