Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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