Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
