I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
