My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
