omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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