i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Randomize
