This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The power of my boobs compel you
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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