They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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