Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
