1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
