We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
