Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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