Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
