he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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