Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
