I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
