I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
