In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
