Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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