Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
