Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
