I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
