remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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