She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
