I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
