Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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