Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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