I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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