He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
