yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
