i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I puked a lego.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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