You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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