why do cheetos always look like penises
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
