I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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