just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
